I don't think Christmas would be the same without its signature stench of elf farts (equal parts cinnamon, ginger and Santa semen) that seem to sneak into your nostrils at the turn of every crook or the waxy smiles brighter and wider than the moon that wane from even the most bitter of waitresses' faces. Sure, they're not happy to be serving you food when they could be home molesting their children or eating turkey, but they'll still serve you a decent meal promptly; smiles on the house. You, consumer of my literary filth, needn't worry further. This holiday season was in no way any different. To pull from my title, this is my juncture in re-cap:
I drove down to Tennessee last Monday, only to return on Wednesday. It was wet. It was rainy. The police officer damaged my laptop. Pressing on...
Joe* played the innocent messenger between enemy lines. Normally I wouldn't imagine walking through a war to be very entertaining, but he wouldn't have put on his combat boots otherwise. Maybe I've found the cure to future boredom. Does anyone have a war I can step into? Oh, well. Expecting my life to be anything less than amazingly awkward would be like betting my adoption on the Angels winning the penant... and we've all seen Angels In the Outfield.
People keep calling me looking for Randall? Within the past 5 days, I've gotten 6 phonecalls asking me where he ran off to. I guess he's been "missing", but he's checked his myspace. At least he's not dead, I guess. That's good, right?
Sometime in late November was the Guns 'n Roses show at the Q. Yuck, what sort of name is that for an arena? It sounds more like a gay bar:
Gregory: "Hey, girlfriends! Let's go get cosmos at the Q!" Erique: "Ew, guh-ross! I'm getting spritzers with Jerry at Packers." Gregory (taking his time machine back to 5th grade): "Ugh, whatever." ::fingers form large W::
But yeah, I hung out with Axl Rose, Sebastian Bach and the dudes from Eagles of Death Metal (aka Queens of the Stone Age [big thanks to them for giving me backstage and FLYING ME OUT TO LA FOR NEW YEAR'S]). Axl ended up calling me an asshole because I asked where Slash was, wholly aware of the painful lawsuit that had been going on between the two of them since the 90's. The biggest asshole in the entirety of the human race called ME an asshole. I'm honored. Supposedly I got naked in the back of the tour bus, but I don't remember this happening.
Paul's son is staying with us for Christmas. He's 10. It's so weird to have a child in my life, especially one who's around the same age as my little brother. Death is a weird thing.
As if there were any doubts in my mind about death being weird, Nate's death only reminds me that, if anything, it's even more of a weird subject than imagination could have ever schooled me on. Eight months later, it still hasn't settled. Wow. It's been eight months already. Some nights, I'll be in bed and he'll be with me. And he'll do that weird thing where he twists the excess skin on my hips while he sings me to sleep. It's beginning to frighten me how vivid it is. I found my old landline phone from 2 years ago in my basement the other day. There were four messages in a row from you on my answering machine:
#1: "NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE-TUH!" #2: "This is the offices of Mr. Nathan P. Miller. We're calling in regards to the bruncheon you'd requested for tomorrow. We're just calling to confirm. Please give us a call back when you get this. THEENKS!" #3: "You made me lovvvvveee you, I didn't wanna do it... I didn't wanna do it..." etc, etc. #4: "Vanessa, it's Nate. I smell a Freaks and Geeks marathon today? That was a question. Uh, give... uh, give me a call back. Mmmm, bye."
I make $40 an hour... Haha, I win.
The Godfather of Soul passed away yesterday. Yeah, I cried. But through the tears, my seed of a theory blossomed. Are you guys ready for this? Now, I'm going to mix-up the meat and potatoes of Christianity a bit, so if you're a fundamentalist, go sit at the kid's table for the remainder of dinner. Okay, so what if the Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Ghost) wasn't a TRI-nity at all? What if it was a Holy QUAD-ity?! I'm talkin' the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit AND the Godfather of Soul?! What if Jimmy B's just livin' the prophecy? Immediately I dried my eyes. Why should I cry if he's just doin' his thing? (and James Brown 'did his thing' pretty damn tastily) I remember when Nate and the Boys would quote the James Brown eBaums world thing. Gosh, best summer of my life.
vanesssa coyote: Hey Duck Bogan: hellooo Duck Bogan: is it the morning? vanesssa coyote: Yup. 11:0 vanesssa coyote: 11:30 Duck Bogan: thats wild Duck Bogan: the sun is just going down here vanesssa coyote: Oooh lala Duck Bogan: and i bet its just shining on your end Duck Bogan: thats so wild vanesssa coyote: Eh, it's head has been peekin' for a little bit Duck Bogan: at 11:30? Duck Bogan: like...am, right? Duck Bogan: that fucking sun should be up god dammit vanesssa coyote: Yeah, by ''little bit,'' I actually mean a few hours vanesssa coyote: But I just woke up vanesssa coyote: So I hold no account of the sun's actions Duck Bogan: lol vanesssa coyote: and can only guarantee it's ''upness'' the past half hour Duck Bogan: that would be fucked up if people called your cell phone asking you why the sun wasn't up at its usual time Duck Bogan: "Vanessa, what the fuck....why isn't the sun up. My solar powered bicycle is just SITTING here..." vanesssa coyote: HAHAHAHA vanesssa coyote: "ALSO, I need my pajamas picked up from the dry-cleaners... they had wrinkles. Wrinkles, Vanessa! WRINKLES." Duck Bogan: "This has really messed things up for me....my rooster is outside, and he has no fucking clue whats going on, he doesn't know what to do" vanesssa coyote: "Sir, it might be because he's on speed... and it's mating season... and the sun doesn't shine up a hen's dress, IF you know what I mean " Duck Bogan: LOL Duck Bogan: i'm using that quote Duck Bogan: just to confuse someone vanesssa coyote: hahaha Duck Bogan: "Hey man, its like they say...sun don't shine up a hens dress" vanesssa coyote: hahaha vanesssa coyote: I'm glad someone likes my work Duck Bogan: i'm a big fan Duck Bogan: got all your albums vanesssa coyote: I came up with a new cartoon yesterday Duck Bogan: hit me vanesssa coyote: There's this t-bone steak... who's just the biggest sweetheart there is vanesssa coyote: and then there's this vindictive cupcake vanesssa coyote: and the t-bone LOVES the cupcake, but the cupcake won't have him vanesssa coyote: So the t-bone does all these romantic things for the cupcake, and the cupcake denies him every time vanesssa coyote: THat's the premise. Duck Bogan: T-bone should have this asshole friend who is Ham Duck Bogan: Ham gives him ideas maybe...to win the love of cupcake vanesssa coyote: When they dream, they don't dream of sugar plums... vanesssa coyote: They dream of SPLENDA plums Duck Bogan: hahahaha Duck Bogan: pornographic plums vanesssa coyote: I think I'll make his best-friend a rake Duck Bogan: hahahaha vanesssa coyote: or any various gardening tool Duck Bogan: even better Duck Bogan: i love it vanesssa coyote: and the cupcake wears black panties Duck Bogan: with stocking garders vanesssa coyote: Naturally vanesssa coyote: I had another idea vanesssa coyote: There are these amoebas, right... Duck Bogan: hit me vanesssa coyote: three of them vanesssa coyote: Their names are Hank, Lloyd and Webster vanesssa coyote: Sort of a modern-day Three Stooges vanesssa coyote: and these blobs work at a circle factory vanesssa coyote: where they just draw circles all day Duck Bogan: this sounds like one of ray's stories vanesssa coyote: But then Triangle Corp. buys them out vanesssa coyote: I don't know Ray vanesssa coyote: and then they become temps vanesssa coyote: and get into all different sorts of shananigans at each different job vanesssa coyote: they even make an anti-drug commercial Duck Bogan: god, i'd love to make a movie, or a short about that Duck Bogan: to play behind us at one of our concerts vanesssa coyote: I mean, let's face it... anti-drug commercials ARE THE FUTURE vanesssa coyote: hahaha Yeah, I'm full of great ideas vanesssa coyote: Like Sweetcheeks the Cowboy and Clyde the smooth-talking deer Duck Bogan: god, the circle factory is the best idea i've heard in ages vanesssa coyote: I want to do just a one-framed cartoon of Skittles eating people. Duck Bogan: i'd love to have a movie where ray comes home from a hard day at the circle factory Duck Bogan: and he's like...doing his work that he took home at the dinner table Duck Bogan: like...he's trying so hard to draw a circle and he can't Duck Bogan: and then maybe you could play the wife Duck Bogan: and be like "Honey? do you want a sandwich or something" vanesssa coyote: with my meatloaf Duck Bogan: and then he says very politely, no thanks vanesssa coyote: a MEATLOAF sandwich! Duck Bogan: but then you walk away and he whispers "bitch.." vanesssa coyote: And they have hats... did I mention the hats? vanesssa coyote: Your typical blue-collared worker's hat. Duck Bogan: no you did not vanesssa coyote: The hat of a guy who likes meatloaf. Duck Bogan: truck driver hat vanesssa coyote: Webster can have one of those... he lives in a trailer Duck Bogan: and meat pies vanesssa coyote: They have those hats that guys used to wear vanesssa coyote: Not a top hat... fuck. I can't think of the technical name Duck Bogan: derby? vanesssa coyote: One'll be wearing one of those vanesssa coyote: Kind of like that, but not rounded on top Duck Bogan: a fedora? vanesssa coyote: Actually, Lloyd will just wear Kevin Federline on his head Duck Bogan: hahahahaha Duck Bogan: man, fuck kevin federline, i can't believe that guy gets paid more than me vanesssa coyote: But yeah, a fedora! vanesssa coyote: Yeah! vanesssa coyote: SERIOUSLY Duck Bogan: i can't believe football players make more than people who will lay their lives on the line Duck Bogan: crazy... Duck Bogan: yet another reason why america is fucked vanesssa coyote: I KNOW! vanesssa coyote: I always get into that argument vanesssa coyote: and everyone's like "it's the entertainment industry" vanesssa coyote: And it's like... Doctor's SAVE people's lives in the comfort of an operation room, wholly prepared for their task vanesssa coyote: and they don't make pocket change Duck Bogan: no, its AMERICANS as a whole vanesssa coyote: And then there are soldiers and firemen and police officers Duck Bogan: I think its fucked up that we even HAVE rich people vanesssa coyote: and they all make shit comparibly and are constantly laid off Duck Bogan: there should be a law about how much money you can have Duck Bogan: because people just throw it away on stupid shit vanesssa coyote: Exactly. Duck Bogan: man, when I get home, its going to be like... rock X 100 = me at home vanesssa coyote: I KNOW vanesssa coyote: I"M SO EXCITED Duck Bogan: i hope that is... Duck Bogan: i'm hoping...east coast tour with my band vanesssa coyote: Cause I'm not funny by myself. I need Tim Del Vecchio as a sidekick vanesssa coyote: Can I sell merch!? vanesssa coyote: haha Duck Bogan: fuckin' a Duck Bogan: we need merch to SELL Duck Bogan: lol vanesssa coyote: Haha Yeah, that's probably important Duck Bogan: This sounds like stuff we can let simmer at eat n park vanesssa coyote: YES vanesssa coyote: IDEALIST Duck Bogan: lol vanesssa coyote: Me and Stace saw a funny movie lastn ight vanesssa coyote: The Devil Wears Prada Duck Bogan: whats it about? vanesssa coyote: This frumpy girl who becomes a major fashionista's assistant vanesssa coyote: and slowly she turns into a fashionista herself vanesssa coyote: and she's constantly running around doing her chores and it takes a toll on her social life vanesssa coyote: But there are plenty of character's providing comic relief vanesssa coyote: Lots of silly gays Duck Bogan: of course vanesssa coyote: Man, I can't wait for you to join in on the eat 'n park sensation vanesssa coyote: Except that only includes me and Stacey vanesssa coyote: Normally it's just her and I and a cup of coffee vanesssa coyote: OH vanesssa coyote: And Brandy and Darryl... Duck Bogan: we used to gather there after we played at borders vanesssa coyote: And these sixty year old men that I hangout with... speaking of which, I need to call them. Duck Bogan: LOL Duck Bogan: you have their numbers? vanesssa coyote: Haha Yeah. I have their business cards vanesssa coyote: Seriously, they just have so much more to say vanesssa coyote: and you've only got a little bit to hear it in vanesssa coyote: Because they're gettin' old Duck Bogan: i want to do some iraqi cooking for you guys vanesssa coyote: Oh? Description? vanesssa coyote: I'm sure it's delicious. I LOVE middle-eastern food Duck Bogan: rice wrapped in spinach leaves with chicken Duck Bogan: shredded lamb and tomato in some yummy bread vanesssa coyote: almost like spinakopita... but with spinach! Duck Bogan: lol vanesssa coyote: Haha Maybe's a good time to mention that I'm a vegetarian? Duck Bogan: well you don't have to eat the lamb stuff vanesssa coyote: Haha Well, yeah. vanesssa coyote: I just wanted to melt your party butter. vanesssa coyote: Ew, that sounds kind of perverted... but I didn't mean it like that! Duck Bogan: LOL Duck Bogan: hahaha Duck Bogan: thats another quote i'm using vanesssa coyote: Boy, I'm just full of 'em today!