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Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
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I don't think Christmas would be the same without its signature stench of elf farts (equal parts cinnamon, ginger and Santa semen) that seem to sneak into your nostrils at the turn of every crook or the waxy smiles brighter and wider than the moon that wane from even the most bitter of waitresses' faces. Sure, they're not happy to be serving you food when they could be home molesting their children or eating turkey, but they'll still serve you a decent meal promptly; smiles on the house. You, consumer of my literary filth, needn't worry further. This holiday season was in no way any different. To pull from my title, this is my juncture in re-cap:
I drove down to Tennessee last Monday, only to return on Wednesday. It was wet. It was rainy. The police officer damaged my laptop. Pressing on...
Joe* played the innocent messenger between enemy lines. Normally I wouldn't imagine walking through a war to be very entertaining, but he wouldn't have put on his combat boots otherwise. Maybe I've found the cure to future boredom. Does anyone have a war I can step into? Oh, well. Expecting my life to be anything less than amazingly awkward would be like betting my adoption on the Angels winning the penant... and we've all seen Angels In the Outfield.
People keep calling me looking for Randall? Within the past 5 days, I've gotten 6 phonecalls asking me where he ran off to. I guess he's been "missing", but he's checked his myspace. At least he's not dead, I guess. That's good, right?
Sometime in late November was the Guns 'n Roses show at the Q. Yuck, what sort of name is that for an arena? It sounds more like a gay bar:
Gregory: "Hey, girlfriends! Let's go get cosmos at the Q!"
Erique: "Ew, guh-ross! I'm getting spritzers with Jerry at Packers."
Gregory (taking his time machine back to 5th grade): "Ugh, whatever." ::fingers form large W::
But yeah, I hung out with Axl Rose, Sebastian Bach and the dudes from Eagles of Death Metal (aka Queens of the Stone Age [big thanks to them for giving me backstage and FLYING ME OUT TO LA FOR NEW YEAR'S]). Axl ended up calling me an asshole because I asked where Slash was, wholly aware of the painful lawsuit that had been going on between the two of them since the 90's. The biggest asshole in the entirety of the human race called ME an asshole. I'm honored. Supposedly I got naked in the back of the tour bus, but I don't remember this happening.
Paul's son is staying with us for Christmas. He's 10. It's so weird to have a child in my life, especially one who's around the same age as my little brother. Death is a weird thing.
As if there were any doubts in my mind about death being weird, Nate's death only reminds me that, if anything, it's even more of a weird subject than imagination could have ever schooled me on. Eight months later, it still hasn't settled. Wow. It's been eight months already. Some nights, I'll be in bed and he'll be with me. And he'll do that weird thing where he twists the excess skin on my hips while he sings me to sleep. It's beginning to frighten me how vivid it is. I found my old landline phone from 2 years ago in my basement the other day. There were four messages in a row from you on my answering machine:
#1: "NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE-TUH!"
#2: "This is the offices of Mr. Nathan P. Miller. We're calling in regards to the bruncheon you'd requested for tomorrow. We're just calling to confirm. Please give us a call back when you get this. THEENKS!"
#3: "You made me lovvvvveee you, I didn't wanna do it... I didn't wanna do it..." etc, etc.
#4: "Vanessa, it's Nate. I smell a Freaks and Geeks marathon today? That was a question. Uh, give... uh, give me a call back. Mmmm, bye."
I make $40 an hour... Haha, I win.
The Godfather of Soul passed away yesterday. Yeah, I cried. But through the tears, my seed of a theory blossomed. Are you guys ready for this? Now, I'm going to mix-up the meat and potatoes of Christianity a bit, so if you're a fundamentalist, go sit at the kid's table for the remainder of dinner. Okay, so what if the Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Ghost) wasn't a TRI-nity at all? What if it was a Holy QUAD-ity?! I'm talkin' the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit AND the Godfather of Soul?! What if Jimmy B's just livin' the prophecy? Immediately I dried my eyes. Why should I cry if he's just doin' his thing? (and James Brown 'did his thing' pretty damn tastily) I remember when Nate and the Boys would quote the James Brown eBaums world thing. Gosh, best summer of my life.
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vanesssa coyote: Hey
Duck Bogan: hellooo
Duck Bogan: is it the morning?
vanesssa coyote: Yup. 11:0
vanesssa coyote: 11:30
Duck Bogan: thats wild
Duck Bogan: the sun is just going down here
vanesssa coyote: Oooh lala
Duck Bogan: and i bet its just shining on your end
Duck Bogan: thats so wild
vanesssa coyote: Eh, it's head has been peekin' for a little bit
Duck Bogan: at 11:30?
Duck Bogan: like...am, right?
Duck Bogan: that fucking sun should be up god dammit
vanesssa coyote: Yeah, by ''little bit,'' I actually mean a few hours
vanesssa coyote: But I just woke up
vanesssa coyote: So I hold no account of the sun's actions
Duck Bogan: lol
vanesssa coyote: and can only guarantee it's ''upness'' the past half hour
Duck Bogan: that would be fucked up if people called your cell phone asking you why the sun wasn't up at its usual time
Duck Bogan: "Vanessa, what the fuck....why isn't the sun up. My solar powered bicycle is just SITTING here..."
vanesssa coyote: HAHAHAHA
vanesssa coyote: "ALSO, I need my pajamas picked up from the dry-cleaners... they had wrinkles. Wrinkles, Vanessa! WRINKLES."
Duck Bogan: "This has really messed things up for me....my rooster is outside, and he has no fucking clue whats going on, he doesn't know what to do"
vanesssa coyote: "Sir, it might be because he's on speed... and it's mating season... and the sun doesn't shine up a hen's dress, IF you know what I mean "
Duck Bogan: LOL
Duck Bogan: i'm using that quote
Duck Bogan: just to confuse someone
vanesssa coyote: hahaha
Duck Bogan: "Hey man, its like they say...sun don't shine up a hens dress"
vanesssa coyote: hahaha
vanesssa coyote: I'm glad someone likes my work
Duck Bogan: i'm a big fan
Duck Bogan: got all your albums
vanesssa coyote: I came up with a new cartoon yesterday
Duck Bogan: hit me
vanesssa coyote: There's this t-bone steak... who's just the biggest sweetheart there is
vanesssa coyote: and then there's this vindictive cupcake
vanesssa coyote: and the t-bone LOVES the cupcake, but the cupcake won't have him
vanesssa coyote: So the t-bone does all these romantic things for the cupcake, and the cupcake denies him every time
vanesssa coyote: THat's the premise.
Duck Bogan: T-bone should have this asshole friend who is Ham
Duck Bogan: Ham gives him ideas maybe...to win the love of cupcake
vanesssa coyote: When they dream, they don't dream of sugar plums...
vanesssa coyote: They dream of SPLENDA plums
Duck Bogan: hahahaha
Duck Bogan: pornographic plums
vanesssa coyote: I think I'll make his best-friend a rake
Duck Bogan: hahahaha
vanesssa coyote: or any various gardening tool
Duck Bogan: even better
Duck Bogan: i love it
vanesssa coyote: and the cupcake wears black panties
Duck Bogan: with stocking garders
vanesssa coyote: Naturally
vanesssa coyote: I had another idea
vanesssa coyote: There are these amoebas, right...
Duck Bogan: hit me
vanesssa coyote: three of them
vanesssa coyote: Their names are Hank, Lloyd and Webster
vanesssa coyote: Sort of a modern-day Three Stooges
vanesssa coyote: and these blobs work at a circle factory
vanesssa coyote: where they just draw circles all day
Duck Bogan: this sounds like one of ray's stories
vanesssa coyote: But then Triangle Corp. buys them out
vanesssa coyote: I don't know Ray
vanesssa coyote: and then they become temps
vanesssa coyote: and get into all different sorts of shananigans at each different job
vanesssa coyote: they even make an anti-drug commercial
Duck Bogan: god, i'd love to make a movie, or a short about that
Duck Bogan: to play behind us at one of our concerts
vanesssa coyote: I mean, let's face it... anti-drug commercials ARE THE FUTURE
vanesssa coyote: hahaha Yeah, I'm full of great ideas
vanesssa coyote: Like Sweetcheeks the Cowboy and Clyde the smooth-talking deer
Duck Bogan: god, the circle factory is the best idea i've heard in ages
vanesssa coyote: I want to do just a one-framed cartoon of Skittles eating people.
Duck Bogan: i'd love to have a movie where ray comes home from a hard day at the circle factory
Duck Bogan: and he's like...doing his work that he took home at the dinner table
Duck Bogan: like...he's trying so hard to draw a circle and he can't
Duck Bogan: and then maybe you could play the wife
Duck Bogan: and be like "Honey? do you want a sandwich or something"
vanesssa coyote: with my meatloaf
Duck Bogan: and then he says very politely, no thanks
vanesssa coyote: a MEATLOAF sandwich!
Duck Bogan: but then you walk away and he whispers "bitch.."
vanesssa coyote: And they have hats... did I mention the hats?
vanesssa coyote: Your typical blue-collared worker's hat.
Duck Bogan: no you did not
vanesssa coyote: The hat of a guy who likes meatloaf.
Duck Bogan: truck driver hat
vanesssa coyote: Webster can have one of those... he lives in a trailer
Duck Bogan: and meat pies
vanesssa coyote: They have those hats that guys used to wear
vanesssa coyote: Not a top hat... fuck. I can't think of the technical name
Duck Bogan: derby?
vanesssa coyote: One'll be wearing one of those
vanesssa coyote: Kind of like that, but not rounded on top
Duck Bogan: a fedora?
vanesssa coyote: Actually, Lloyd will just wear Kevin Federline on his head
Duck Bogan: hahahahaha
Duck Bogan: man, fuck kevin federline, i can't believe that guy gets paid more than me
vanesssa coyote: But yeah, a fedora!
vanesssa coyote: Yeah!
vanesssa coyote: SERIOUSLY
Duck Bogan: i can't believe football players make more than people who will lay their lives on the line
Duck Bogan: crazy...
Duck Bogan: yet another reason why america is fucked
vanesssa coyote: I KNOW!
vanesssa coyote: I always get into that argument
vanesssa coyote: and everyone's like "it's the entertainment industry"
vanesssa coyote: And it's like... Doctor's SAVE people's lives in the comfort of an operation room, wholly prepared for their task
vanesssa coyote: and they don't make pocket change
Duck Bogan: no, its AMERICANS as a whole
vanesssa coyote: And then there are soldiers and firemen and police officers
Duck Bogan: I think its fucked up that we even HAVE rich people
vanesssa coyote: and they all make shit comparibly and are constantly laid off
Duck Bogan: there should be a law about how much money you can have
Duck Bogan: because people just throw it away on stupid shit
vanesssa coyote: Exactly.
Duck Bogan: man, when I get home, its going to be like... rock X 100 = me at home
vanesssa coyote: I KNOW
vanesssa coyote: I"M SO EXCITED
Duck Bogan: i hope that is...
Duck Bogan: i'm hoping...east coast tour with my band
vanesssa coyote: Cause I'm not funny by myself. I need Tim Del Vecchio as a sidekick
vanesssa coyote: Can I sell merch!?
vanesssa coyote: haha
Duck Bogan: fuckin' a
Duck Bogan: we need merch to SELL
Duck Bogan: lol
vanesssa coyote: Haha Yeah, that's probably important
Duck Bogan: This sounds like stuff we can let simmer at eat n park
vanesssa coyote: YES
vanesssa coyote: IDEALIST
Duck Bogan: lol
vanesssa coyote: Me and Stace saw a funny movie lastn ight
vanesssa coyote: The Devil Wears Prada
Duck Bogan: whats it about?
vanesssa coyote: This frumpy girl who becomes a major fashionista's assistant
vanesssa coyote: and slowly she turns into a fashionista herself
vanesssa coyote: and she's constantly running around doing her chores and it takes a toll on her social life
vanesssa coyote: But there are plenty of character's providing comic relief
vanesssa coyote: Lots of silly gays
Duck Bogan: of course
vanesssa coyote: Man, I can't wait for you to join in on the eat 'n park sensation
vanesssa coyote: Except that only includes me and Stacey
vanesssa coyote: Normally it's just her and I and a cup of coffee
vanesssa coyote: OH
vanesssa coyote: And Brandy and Darryl...
Duck Bogan: we used to gather there after we played at borders
vanesssa coyote: And these sixty year old men that I hangout with... speaking of which, I need to call them.
Duck Bogan: LOL
Duck Bogan: you have their numbers?
vanesssa coyote: Haha Yeah. I have their business cards
vanesssa coyote: Seriously, they just have so much more to say
vanesssa coyote: and you've only got a little bit to hear it in
vanesssa coyote: Because they're gettin' old
Duck Bogan: i want to do some iraqi cooking for you guys
vanesssa coyote: Oh? Description?
vanesssa coyote: I'm sure it's delicious. I LOVE middle-eastern food
Duck Bogan: rice wrapped in spinach leaves with chicken
Duck Bogan: shredded lamb and tomato in some yummy bread
vanesssa coyote: almost like spinakopita... but with spinach!
Duck Bogan: lol
vanesssa coyote: Haha Maybe's a good time to mention that I'm a vegetarian?
Duck Bogan: well you don't have to eat the lamb stuff
vanesssa coyote: Haha Well, yeah.
vanesssa coyote: I just wanted to melt your party butter.
vanesssa coyote: Ew, that sounds kind of perverted... but I didn't mean it like that!
Duck Bogan: LOL
Duck Bogan: hahaha
Duck Bogan: thats another quote i'm using
vanesssa coyote: Boy, I'm just full of 'em today!
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Saturday, February 11th, 2006
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